July 14, 2003

• It’s hard to admit it, and part of me is still denying it, but I think I’m drifting away.  I can feel that a rift has formed between me and the group.  At first I thought that it was just some vague insecurity I had, something that would just go away if I could just see everyone more.  But now, I’m not so sure.  I can see that no matter what happens there are still divisions between me and “the others.”   I don’t feel as accepted within the group as everyone else probably does.  But then again, I’ve always been the outsider who never really understood why the two groups couldn’t coexist as one, b/c I wasn’t there.  I will never have that special bond that the rest of them now share from those hardships.  Not that I haven’t been through my share of troubles within the condensed version of “the group,” as if I could forget.  But as I watched these people laugh and talk yesterday, it began to dawn on me that I’m nothing like any of them. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I got a lot of bad vibes from certain people yesterday, and even though I don’t really know them, and I don’t particularly care for them myself, I know they were insulting me and laughing at me.  How could I not know?  I was never more than 5 feet away from them.  Why did they have to ruin my night?  Where do they get off doing stuff like that?  Were they blind?  I was RIGHT THERE and they were talking PRETTY LOUD.  I’m hurt, yes, but overpowering my sadness and the personal shame, I’m angry.  I refuse to be around the individuals who blatantly found pleasure in insulting me.  It’s so much easier to be ignorant of it, and not be there. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Sometimes I can’t help thinking that the group is just all wrong for me.  There aren’t too many people I can turn to for real support and real companionship anymore.  Things are too fractured; I just don’t fit in.  I can tell that everyone else has some network of friends that they can always turn to, but I don’t think I do.  Where is my niche?  I always feel like I’m some big, fat, boring, foul-mouthed, nuisance to everyone. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Too bad I refuse to change.  I’m not one for forced change; I’d rather just be alone. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Someone once told me that just because I’ve made new friends in California, it doesn’t mean that I can just leave the ones I have here.  Well, it has NOTHING to do with my California friends.  But I’m still sorry it’s like this.  I don’t feel this way to hurt any of you, nor am I finding this sadistically fun.  Understand that it’s very hard to pick up where we left off ten months ago, and go on like nothing’s changed.  Things have changed.  I’ve changed.  So have many of you.  We hardly spoke while we were apart, so we inevitably drifted.  What do you want from me?  “Things never change, (laugh laugh), let’s all be fake!?”  No, thank you.

  
  

   

  
  

  I know some of you are reading this with a deep sense of confusion, some of you may actually be mad, and maybe some tiny percentage of you may understand what I’m going through.  For those of you who are angry:  go ahead and be angry.  Why don’t you call me up and yell at me?  You’ll be greeted with this, “I don’t hate you, I just don’t know you anymore, and I don’t think you know me either (click beep beep beep).”  I don’t care.  I’m just being honest with myself and all of you.  Go ahead and insult me about my tastes, and my habits, and my personality.  Some of you already have.  And I have insulted many of you too, mentally or otherwise.  Sorry, really. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Like I said, I’m not happy things turned out this way.  If you think about it, we’re really different.  I know you guys already knew this before reading this entry.  Maybe if I spent more time with you, I’d start loving you guys again.  Maybe.  But last time I checked, your ideas of fun, and my ideas are fun, are inexorably dissimilar.

  
  

   

  
  

  Haha.  I’ve felt this way for such a long time.  It’s weird to read back what I wrote, and feel that familiar wave of denial, “Are you stupid?  There’s nothing wrong with you…go have fun with the group!”  Tsk tsk…there you go again, brain.  It’s not like I’m going to walk off into the sunset and leave the group forever (unless it’s what the group wants, and I’m sure at least two of you wouldn’t mind it; yeah, I know who you are…you can just jump off a ravine for all I care ß Ha!  Look what I wrote!  No wonder people hate me!  Heh heh heh). 

  
  

   

  
  

  The last thing I want would be some great backlash of hatred, or even worse, pity.  I don’t want any effort to be made on your part; I have no expectations either way, from me or you.  I just wanted to get a lot of what I’m feeling off my chest.

  
  

   

  
  

  Lor

  • 8:52 pm
  • 8 Comments