I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I know I’m worth so much more than this.  Someone I really loved cut me off suddenly, and left me a wreck.  Poor Jason had to take care of crying and hysterical me, but only because the person who should have been there decided to leave without even giving me an explanation.  The worst part is the fact that I feel like I could have prevented this, but wasn’t given the chance by the person who I thought believed that I could do anything.  In reality, he believed “no matter what Loretta, you cannot change.”  He said that the break up wasn’t about him or me, it was about “us.”  But he didn’t act like it was about us.  He talked to others about the state of our relationship, people who didn’t even know me, who had no clue about the real ”us,” but he chose not to talk to me.  He based his decision on what other people believed about us, and didn’t even let me in on the discussion.  I should have known this was coming, when he wrote just his name on that clover, instead of ours.

I really believed in him, that there was a lot of good in him.  I thought he had the power to change b/c love could do wonderful and amazing things.  But now I see that the one thing he really couldn’t do was be there for me when I really needed him.  Jason, Daniel, my sister, my parents, practically everyone I knew, told me this a million times but I didn’t listen.  Part of me wishes I did so that I wouldn’t be in this mess now.  Part of me wishes I didn’t risk my own reputation defending him to my friends when in reality they were the ones who deserved my love because they would never hurt me like this.  Part of me wishes I never met him.  But that other part of me really misses him, which is why I feel so sad that he is gone. 

I have been trying my best not to dwell on the good of the relationship, but dwell on all the bad things he did to me, so that instead of crying I will say “good riddance.”  But that hasn’t happened yet.  Everyone I’ve spoken to has told me not to try rationalizing his decision to leave.  Or why he chose to leave me in the way that he did.  Or why he did all those things to me in the past.  Or whether he’s hurting as much as I am.  I’m trying, but its not working very well.  I’ve buried myself in homework, calligraphy, television, and shopping and nothing has worked.  He still pops into my brain, haunting my dreams both day and night.  I am now a burden on everyone I know, which makes things even worse.  But thank you to everyone who has supported me, especially my parents and my sister, Daniel, Jason, and Mai who have all listened to me and comforted me through all of this.  I love you all.