I'm just about over this stupid emotions stuff.  It was weird, I had this really noticeable turning point in AIS class the other day when I just stopped feeling awful about what happened.  It happened while Daniel, Sean, and I were quietly gaffawing and drawing "art" on each others' notebooks ("Daniel  Sean," "Loretta loves woman" <-- not true!!!).  I thought about my friends and family, and I felt like I really didn't need my ex anymore.  I think this might actually be for the best, b/c there were times when he was really quite mean to me.  Oh well.  I have way too much work to do this weekend: 

WRIT 340:  Read Ch 13-18, revise essay, choose 2 portfolio essays

BUAD 306:  Read Ch 13-15, HW (?)

ACCT 371b:   Read pg 145-72, ACL project, Database project (?)

ACCT 372:  Wilkerson project, study for midterm

Calligraphy:  Prepare for oral presentation, do character HW, select poem

Other:  Get ready to register for ACCT classes, finish Marshall Scholarship form (they rejected my first draft! =/ )

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I know I'm worth so much more than this.  Someone I really loved cut me off suddenly, and left me a wreck.  Poor Jason had to take care of crying and hysterical me, but only because the person who should have been there decided to leave without even giving me an explanation.  The worst part is the fact that I feel like I could have prevented this, but wasn't given the chance by the person who I thought believed that I could do anything.  In reality, he believed "no matter what Loretta, you cannot change."  He said that the break up wasn't about him or me, it was about "us."  But he didn't act like it was about us.  He talked to others about the state of our relationship, people who didn't even know me, who had no clue about the real "us," but he chose not to talk to me.  He based his decision on what other people believed about us, and didn't even let me in on the discussion.  I should have known this was coming, when he wrote just his name on that clover, instead of ours.

I really believed in him, that there was a lot of good in him.  I thought he had the power to change b/c love could do wonderful and amazing things.  But now I see that the one thing he really couldn't do was be there for me when I really needed him.  Jason, Daniel, my sister, my parents, practically everyone I knew, told me this a million times but I didn't listen.  Part of me wishes I did so that I wouldn't be in this mess now.  Part of me wishes I didn't risk my own reputation defending him to my friends when in reality they were the ones who deserved my love because they would never hurt me like this.  Part of me wishes I never met him.  But that other part of me really misses him, which is why I feel so sad that he is gone. 

I have been trying my best not to dwell on the good of the relationship, but dwell on all the bad things he did to me, so that instead of crying I will say "good riddance."  But that hasn't happened yet.  Everyone I've spoken to has told me not to try rationalizing his decision to leave.  Or why he chose to leave me in the way that he did.  Or why he did all those things to me in the past.  Or whether he's hurting as much as I am.  I'm trying, but its not working very well.  I've buried myself in homework, calligraphy, television, and shopping and nothing has worked.  He still pops into my brain, haunting my dreams both day and night.  I am now a burden on everyone I know, which makes things even worse.  But thank you to everyone who has supported me, especially my parents and my sister, Daniel, Jason, and Mai who have all listened to me and comforted me through all of this.  I love you all. 

From one of the most brilliant writers of our time, Kurt Vonnegut, in Timequake, speaking of his alter-ego Kilgore Trout:

Trout said this was the story on why AIDS and new strains of syph and clap and the blueballs were making rounds like Avon ladies run amok:  On September 1st of 1945, immediately after the end of World War Two, representatives of all the chemical elements held a meeting on the planet Tralfamadore.  They were there to protest some of their members' having been incorporated into the bodies of big, sloppy, stinky organisms as cruel and stupid as human beings.

Elements such as Polonium and Ytterbium, which had never been essential parts of human beings, were nonetheless outraged at any chemicals should be so misused.

Carbon, although an embarassed veteran of countless massacres throughout history, focused the attention of the meeting on the public execution of only one man, accused of treason in fifteenth-century England.  He was hanged until almost dead.  He was revived.  His abdomen was slit open.

The executioner pulled out a loop of his intestines.  He dangled the loop before the man's face and burned it with a torch here and there.  The loop was still attached to the rest of the man's insides.  The executioner and his assistants tied a horse to each of his four limbs.

They whipped the horses, which ripped the man into four jagged pieces.  These were hung on display from meathooks in a marketplace.

It had been agreed before the meeting was called to order that no one was to tell of terrible things grown-up human beings had done to children, according to Trout.  Several delegates threatened to boycott the meeting if they were expected to sit while listening to tales that sickening.  What would be the point?

"What grownups had done to grownups left no doubt that the human race should be exterminated," said Trout.  "Rehashing ad nauseam what grownups had done to children would be gilding the lily, so to speak."

Nitrogen wept about its involuntary servitude as parts of Nazi guards and physicians in death camps during World War Two.  Potassium told hair-raising stories about the Spanish Inquisition, and Calcium about the Roman Games, and Oxygen about black African slavery.

Sodium said enough was enough, that any further testimony would be coals to Newcastle.  It made a motion that all chemicals involved in medical research combine whenever possible to create even more powerful antibiotics.  These in turn would cause disease organisms to evolve new strains that were resistant to them.

In no time, Sodium predicted, every human ailment, including acne and jock itch, would be not only incurable but fatal.  "All humans will die," said Sodium, according to Trout.  "As they were at the birth of the Universe, all elements will be free of sin again."

Iron and Magnesium seconded Sodium's motion.  Phosphorus called for a vote.  The motion was passed by acclamation. 

As many of you know, I'm one of the most pathetically nerdy and uncool people alive.  And uncool nerds like myself survive by sucking the life out of happy and popular people around us through the magic that is sarcasm.  And all sarcastic and uncool nerds like Dilbert.  So, from Scott Adams, the genius behind Dilbert, comes a cute little excerpt from his DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class) newsletter (yes, I do subscribe to it, hence my uncoolness), entitled:

The way some people are acting post-election is making me SICK.  GROW UP. 

Kill me the next time I try to plan my own birthday celebration. 

Timeline of my previous ideas:

2 weeks ago:  Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

1 week ago:  Found out Roscoe's was SOOOOO overrated (but they do have a RCAW dvd which just scares me)

3 days ago:  Medieval Times (Eat with your hands, and enjoy jousting and fighting!)

10 minutes ago:  Found out Medieval Times costs $42.65 per person WITH A COUPON.

5 minutes ago:  Benihana (Where dinner is the show) or Stinking Rose (MMMM smelly)

Maybe I'll just go with that classic plan:  ice cream cake with unblow-outable candles that pose a fire hazard then spits out green ooze when it melts. 

Ack, I'm so tired.  All of my accounting books are STARING at me from the bookshelf, demanding that I open them and at least try to absorb some knowledge.  HAHAHA, nice try little bookies, but it will take more than some sexy title like "Intermediate Accounting Volume 1" or some nice debits and credits to seduce me into your sordid lair. 

Am I the only ACCT major/double major right now that feels that it's kind of sad that I see the strangers in my accounting group more often than my original posse?  Tiff, Brian, and Daniel, I'm talking to you.  Wasn't it just yesterday when the four of us went to the opening night of LOTR?  I remember Daniel posted on his xanga after our second outing that it was unbelievable how much fun the four of us had together.  Ahhh, the good ol' days.

And then the group wonderfully expanded to include Julie, Khairunissa, Jason, and Matt May (who unfortunately left us for the glamorous world of engineering *blah*).  We all met new people (e.g. Tiff and my Guys across the street:  Eddie, Jorge, and Jon Lam), but managed to always have those great Thursday night dinners.  Unfortunately, things began to change after we no longer had classes together.  Tiffanie found her calling in the dark and secretive world of art, Daniel found his frat brothers, Brian discovered online gaming (thus losing his glorious tan in exchange for sweet, sweet hermitism), and I...got a boyfriend (Meh heh heh). 

Of course we all had the occasional class together (BUAD 310, and Marketing), and introduced the new concept of group lunches (at the same time, Brian and I discovered that crossword puzzles are much more entertaining when done during class for some mysterious reason).  Tiff and I lived together, which I highly recommend for anyone who wants to learn the precise science of sitting on a chair that is piled high with 3 weeks of dirty laundry and art history textbooks (Tiff, you are unmatched in that field!). 

It's the exact opposite now.  I used to see Brian everyday during class or lunch, now I only see him once a week on campus.  Julie and I had an unprecedented 3 out of 4 classes together, now we only have 1.  Daniel was a rarity last year, now I see him everyday (yay!).  Tiffanie and I used to live together, and now she's like some faraway strawberry dream.

Thank god we somehow manage to crawl out of our studying, hermit-y ways to actually hang out once in a while!  Khairunissa, Julie, Tiff, Brian, Daniel, and I have decided that every Wednesday we'll have lunch together!  YAYAYA!  Jason and I live together now, so I've seen enough of him.  And contrary to popular belief, the group DOES hang out with each other outside of school.  Here is my proof:

Field Trip:  Julie's house (B, Tiff, Julie, and I went shopping, ate cookies, met Daniel and Eddie for dinner, closed out the night in a hot-ass mansion...best part:  DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!!!)

Field Trip:  Thai food for Jon Lam's birthday

Field Trip:  Out with Daniel and Tiff for late-night snack (this was a looong time ago!  Note Daniel's HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT ride!!!...Infinity G35 coupe I believe)

Yay for good times!

I would just like to take this chance to post so that my subscription to xanga premium doesn't go to waste:

THE ACCT 370/302T SERIES IS DEATH, YOUNG IMPRESSIONABLE BUSINESS MAJORS MUST STAY AWAY!  STAY FAR, FAR AWAY....meh heh heh, more job opportunities for Lor....

Ugh it's so damn humid in Hawaii...tempuratures that would otherwise be categorized as "normal" or even "pleasant" become unbearable when you throw in a little something called "69 percent humidity."  Damn you--you--person who dictates the weather!  I'll get you yet. 

Besides the humidity, another difficult transition I have to make when coming back from LA is Hawaii's bug problem.  Actually, I won't even call it "Hawaii's" bug problem, more like "Loretta's house's" bug problem.  Last year it was roaches, the year before that was mosquitos, but this year, I have the honor of welcoming my home's latest guest:  the ant.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate all bugs, just the certain few that happen to fall on what I like to call The Axis of Evil.  In this Axis of Evil we have roaches, mosquitos, ticks, worms, and North Korea.

I have resorted to many different things in order to get rid of these little biting food stealers known as ants.  Last winter I tried brute force by attempting to blast their nest out with a spray of water from a hose...the result:  oh I sprayed those ants alright...right into my koi pond.  Haha....I hate those ants.... 

Now I'm no Dale Gribble, but I do know a little something about bugs, namely that I want them dead.  So this summer I'm trying something a little different.  It's called irony.  To illustrate this new method that will change the face of bug extermination as we know it, let me tell you a story.  Yesterday, I caught an ant trying to steal a rather large crumb of bread from my kitchen countertop so.....I took a piece of bread, and smashed the little bastard with it.  Now that's irony.  This morning, I killed two ants with a chocolate bar.  Now that's irony.  Yesterday, an ant bit me on the arm...so I put the ant in my mouth and chewed it up real good.  Now that's...just disgusting.  Don't do that.  Here's a picture of me and the ants engaged in hand-to-hand combat.

The beauty of killing with irony is that not only do you get the job done, you really show those ants that "irony" does not mean "like an iron," it means, "haha, you're dead now."

MY TRIP WITH SPENCER TO NYC!  (WARNING:  It's going to be a long...and boring...entry) 

This post is really just so I remember this event, but feel free to read it =/

I had such a great weekend!  Spencer treated me to a trip to his home in NYC for our 4 month anniversary.  We left Thursday night, and 4.5 hours later, we landed at JFK just as the airsickness-induced bile started rising in my throat.  After a $45 dollar cab ride, we arrived at the home of Spencer's uncle Maurice and aunt Sharon at around 6 am.  I passed out in the guest room and Spencer went out to get us some breakfast.  Five hours later Spencer shook me awake and we ate a delicious breakfast of bagels with cream cheese and smoked salmon.  Right after that, and a little chit-chat with the family, we went out for some "real NY pizza" (oink oink).  After that we were dropped off at the train station (I must note here that uncle Maurice's road rage is hilarious) and headed out for NYC.

We arrived around noon, and we went immediately to his apartment in Park Avenue.  We took showers, and Spencer went to a doctors appointment while I chilled with his mom Robin.  When he came back we went to his dad's office.  After, Spencer's mom and I walked around as she showed me the different types of architecture in NYC. 

When we got back to the apartment, Spencer and I went to his grandparents' apartment for "the best Chinese food in the world."  After dinner we talked for a long time with Nanny Pauline and Papa Stanley who are two of the funniest people in the world.  For instance, during dinner, Spencer, Nanny, and I were talking about how potent Spencer's farts were and then Papa looked up and says, "What kind of talk is this?!"  We also talked to Nanny about voting.  She said, "I have an ulterior motive for not voting...so I won't be called for jury duty.  For the longest time I've been having a friend write to them saying that I'm incontinent, that I've been sick, that I've gotten hurt--he's running out of things to say!"  Haha.

The next morning Spencer and I walked around the city.  We got a hotdog at Papaya King (Seinfeld), and looked into some of the shops.  We met his dad for lunch and then Spencer treated me to a manicure and pedicure.  I felt bad for my pedicurist because I had been walking around all day so my feet were all smelly and dirty, AND I fell so my toe was bloody.  Spencer's manicurist was having a hard time with him as well, as noted by her saying "...so much cuticle....*mutter mutter*"  Heheh. 

After our hands and feet were all pretty we met his dad back at the apartment.  We threw our stuff into the suitcase (big mistake...we accidently left half my clothes there) and the three of us left for the Hamptons in a private helicopter! It was amazing (and a little scary), but the view was fantastic!  We landed 40 mins later and Spencer's mom and his sister Remy picked us up and we went to their beach house. 

When we arrived at the house, Spencer and I unpacked our stuff in his room in the attic and he gave me the grand tour.  That house was so damn big...11 BATHROOMS!  There aren't even that many bedrooms! 

Oh, the funniest thing ever happened right before I went to bed.  I went to go brush my teeth in the bathroom right next to the attic stairs.  The door was tight so I forced it closed because I was not really into the idea of being discovered going number 2.  After, I brushed my teeth, I tried to leave, but the door wouldn't open!  I turned the handle but it unscrewed off the door!  I got so scared that I'd be trapped there the whole night because the family was asleep in their rooms an Spencer was upstairs.  I pushed and pushed and pushed but it wouldn't open.  I was just about to lie down and cry in my makeshift towel bed when Spencer opened the door and saved me from what might have been the most embarassing morning ever. 

The next morning, Spencer and I packed up to leave.  We all went out for some pizza and pasta for lunch, and then we were dropped off at the train station.  The train ride was like 2.5 hours and I needed to pee the whole time.  We spent the rest of the time eating until we boarded the plane.  We got home at like 930 pm, and I finally got to sleep. 

As an end to this entry, I would just like to say thanks so much to Spencer Kassimir for being such an amazing boyfriend.  I love you!

...we also met Nicholas Cage...He and Spencer chatted about film noir...I shook his hand...TWICE.  Hahaha.