It's crazy how many people that I think are really happy are actually crying on the inside. It hurts me. I've come to a point in my life where even though I'm dark (and slightly evil), all I wish for is for those I care about to be happy, even if it's happier than me (I also wish for my enemy's to burn in hell with no reprieve, but that's a different entry altogether). I know what it's like to be in pain and unhappy, so unhappy that all you want to do is scream, or kill someone, and I know what these feelings do to you. Everytime you think about it you die a little inside, and you try to forget it, but you really can't. Even though sleep is a sanctuary, the minutes right before are just pure agony b/c what can you do except think? Think about what you've done, or what you could of done, or what you've lost, or gained, or whatever the hell it is; and all you know is the raw feeling of unprocessed pain. You cry a little, if not physically, then emotionally. And then you wake up in the morning, and oh look, it's just another day of having to face the fact that yes, you are a bad person.
But you aren't.
Not to me.
Look, you guys mean the world to me, if you didn't know it then, know it now. If you all could understand the sheer joy I feel when I think about how lucky I am to be your sister, daughter, or friend (or enemy? No, not enemy, and screw you if you're my enemy!), you'd probably be shocked, b/c yes, Loretta does care. Actually, she cares a lot. I may have a heart made of cold steel (or stone, depending on who's reading this), but it is capable of feeling a little thing called hate--I mean LOVE! LOVE! And even though I know my thoughts and words offer little help through whatever you are going through...I love you all, and I want you to be happy.
Just remember that.
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