May 12, 2003
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Its
I know most people reading this are already starting to close their browser windows, or are moving their mouse towards the “back” button thinking, “oh, it’s going to be that kind of post.” “That” being the kind of post that has me talking about me, and possibly my growth as a human being. (sigh). Whether or not you’re here has no bearing on my thoughts, so you are free to stay or leave as you wish (Loretta secretly thinks, “stay; come on STAY! I’m so lonely….” Kidding…).
I realized a few minutes ago that before now, I’ve been living a fake life. In high school, all I wanted to be was Goth or alternative. Mostly because being gothic or alternative basically entails the privilege of being able to hate everyone and everything around you, no questions asked. I’m a dark, hateful person by nature, and I actually have no clue why that is…so my logic was that if I lived a lifestyle where darkness and hatred were actually a prerequisite, well, people wouldn’t question me about my problems, they’d just accept it.
But looking at me now, you’d realize that me being Goth is just about impossible (yes, Daniel, I’m not goth, accept it). If there is one thing I love, it is luxury. And Burberry and Goth just don’t mix. Seriously, how the hell was I supposed to pull that off?
So in my HS years, I sort of teetered in the middle. I was alternative-ish…and that’s about all I could do with myself. But it’s not like I didn’t try to become more than an –ish. When my TRULY ALTERNATIVE friends and I went to a New Found Glory concert (before they were “famous” even though I’d hardly categorize them as famous now), I convinced myself that I was going to have fun that night as I lived out my fiercely-desired lifestyle. It’s actually funny how far I’ve deluded myself into thinking that I actually had fun that night. I realize now that I didn’t just “not have fun” that night…I REALLY didn’t have fun that night (considering I was elbowed in the face/chin by some big white dude who looked like he could have played football for some college in the south). There was just too much touching, too much body heat and recycled air, so little space, and I got this funny feeling like I just hated everything there. But like I said, I deluded myself into thinking that I had fun that night…I know its hard to believe, but when you want something that bad, it becomes REALLY easy to make yourself believe a lie. When my friends asked me whether or not I had fun that night I did say no, but my reasons were 1) Got hurt, and 2) Didn’t like New Found Glory. The thought that I actually hated the Goth/alternative scene AS A WHOLE didn’t even cross my mind.
But it does now.
Reflecting on a more recent example, when I went to the Hoobastank concert with Brian, I had a Déjà vu-esque experience. 1) Got hurt again (this time, my arm), and 2) Got that funny feeling again that I didn’t like it there. But I couldn’t blame the music this time. I like Hoobastank and the fact that their guitarist (or is it bassist?) is actually pretty cute didn’t hurt. Because of that, I definitely enjoyed that this concert more than the first one, but still…funny feelings…funny feelings…
It’s not hard to see that I’ve changed since HS, and even since the first semester of college. My tastes in music and clothing have changed, and even though my outlook on life still revolves around my hating most people and situations, I’ve learned to accept that maybe it’s just natural for me to hate things…lots of things…most things….Look, some people are just naturally happy; I’m just naturally…chock full o’ hate. I mean, look at my face…in its most natural position, my face naturally falls into a scowl. If that’s not a sign that hate and I were just meant to be emotional lovers, then I don’t know what is.
Don’t be frightened by my hateful nature. My hate isn’t so strong that I’m going to kill someone; my hate is more like a constant, underlying, negativity. It has not stopped me from making friends (even though it almost did…*uncomfortable laughter followed by shifty eyes*) and it hasn’t stopped me from trying new things. But I just want you all to know that the Loretta you see now is the one that I’m pretty sure is TRUE. So (!), you take me as you see me. For all of you who want to know the REAL me better…1) I like alternative/rock music AND POP MUSIC both in English and CHINESE; 2) I like brand name clothing and accessories (that includes my Burberry and my C. Dior sunglasses which are now officially renamed “my precious”); 3) Though I’m not trying to be alternative anymore, I still like some of the alternative style, not including the bondage/S&M stuff (shudder); 4) I’m superficial to the core; 5) I still hate things, but I do love all of you...But you already knew that one, didn’t you? You are all just too clever…
Comments (9)
Nice long post, but lots of good stuff... glad you figured out the real you (pity... uh .. i mean happiness for you ::shifty eyes::) haha, anyway... 2 eProps on you finding the tRu you... yippee!!
P.S. STOP STALKING ME!!!..... FREAK! (but with love)
The only thing that gives me an advantage over the general population is: we are related by BLOOD so no matter what I do, you shall never be rid of me. Mwa ha! And! You have no choice but to like me because I am my father's daughter! Mwa ha! Of course, one of us is related, again, and since I do look like my mother, I suppose the adopted one should be...Dancha! Mwa ha!
Do you not find "mwa ha" to be a lot more satisfying than plain ol' "muhahaha"? But I personally have an affinity for "n'ghaa." No one likes else likes it though. They think I'm being snake-like.
Argh...
From my last comment....
"Of course, one of us is related, again, and since I do look like my mother, I suppose the adopted one should be...Dancha! Mwa ha!"
Will my typos never end?!? Why can I never win?!? *wring hands at the Heavens...thunder strikes me down*
If there was a button for more ePropsi would give it to you. Truly, that was an awesome weblog. Im glad that you found yourself. I can tell that you are much more satisifed with everything. I think i did also. I think i've finally found myself, myself that im not ashamed of. We kick ass Roletta! Burberry for lyf!
i kind of feel that way too, like you're not being true to yourself. hope i like the new you. nah j/j. i'll always like you loretta, even if you do end up loving everything. hehe. talk to you soon. don't go broke. lucky you got to go hoobastank. bye.
ps- this was a good entry. didn't want me to hit the back button.
hey sis,
I have a question regarding your post. What exactly makes someone goth? Is it the way you dress? The way someone acts? I don't think ur goth at all. Instead, I believe you are still searching for yourself. And it will take time.... it will sure be interesting to see how much you'll change in the next four years. Thankgod I'll be here right by your side to witness Loretta's change...hehe any how later
eehhh why bother trying to labels, labels are a bunch of BS anyway. you are who you are and i like ya just fine. and about your "natural" scowl, mwuahaha i see you smiling lots sometimes...one time it crossed my ming that you just looked so super happy...look what we did to u lor...mwuhahahaha...see ya these last couple days. and who knows...maybe on YOUR turf
hey loretta~ it's been great knowing you this year! everytime i see you, you're happy and you're really funny too...im looking forward to seeing ya again in the fall (dang...it feels so long from now...its sad)have a greaat summer-- let's keep in touch =)
Sorry it's taken me a long time to write comments, but ever since I came back home, I reclaimed my "life". Plus, I would think that you would've wrote another entry by now, but nooo! I'm glad that I am not the only person who found their true self in this experimental year in college. WELCOME HOME!!
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