September 29, 2003

• THE EYE

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  It was a sunny day.  It began during a road trip up to San Francisco when our heroes noticed that they were being followed by a mysterious forced known only as THE EYE…(not related to the Eye from Lord of the Rings).  THE EYE was terrible, and all-staring.  There was no sleep when it came to THE EYE.  Only  terror and self-wetting followed in the wake of THE EYE.  It followed them everywhere…even in the car…

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  Due to paranoia, our heroes attacked everything that they thought was the culprit.  The Berkeley Bear was their first victim.  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  However, even after the shrill yelling fest and eye gouging,   THE EYE still followed them.

  
  

   

  
  

  They next suspected it was a dirty, starving pigeon, so they poisoned it with a cup full of Drain-o. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  THE EYE still followed.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Then they accused a cross-section of cable that held up the Golden Gate Bridge to be the one staring at them all this time…but then Tiffanie fell madly in love with it and caressed it amorously.  She was confident that her newfound lover was not their suspect.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Their next suspect was a statue the creator of the Golden Gate Bridge, in which the two girls attempted to break his silence by using psychological warfare technique known as “Pointing At The Guilty Until They Break.”  But their interrogation was labeled “inconclusive.”   However, he will still be held captive until further reports come in on a later date.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  So THE EYE still remains a mystery.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  During a lapse of weakness, Tiffanie and Loretta could not bear the pressure of THE EYE and attempted to commit suicide by jumping off the bridge.  Their attempts were foiled by the chicken wire that encompassed the bridge. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  They cursed their inability to fit through one of the holes and hung their heads down in disappointment. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  They attempted to outrun THE EYE by stupidly running uphill Lumbard Street. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Physics naturally took its toll and they tumbled down. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Trying to take their minds off the insanity of the eye, they visited a Burberry shop.  Unfortunately, a different sort of insanity gripped Loretta, and Tiffanie was forced to subdue her, lest she give in to a passion of consumerism. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Being poor, they decided to lower their standards by visiting a local Macys instead, in which they displayed an awe-inspiring sense of fashion. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  They believed themselves to be drop dead gorgeous.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “You?”

  
  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “Me?”

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “YOU?!”

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “ME?!!!”

  
  

   

  
  

  The only sane hero displayed his disgust…

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  ...and proceeded to vomit uncontrollably.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  He then THREW HIMSELF DOWN THE STAIRS in an attempt to erase the horrible images in his mind. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Unsuccessful, he climbed back up…

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  ...AND THREW HIMSELF DOWN AGAIN!

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Failing yet again, he weakly climbed up the steep FIVE STEPS…

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  ...And was finally able to kill himself.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  With their friend gone, and no one else to converse with, an uncomfortable silence permeated the air.  Our remaining heroes fidgeted awkwardly.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “Hey, did you say something?”

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “No…”

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  And then they both wanted to DIE.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Later that night, sleeping serenely, Loretta was unaware that THE EYE loomed, more powerful than ever. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  WHY, IT WAS TIFFANIE ALL ALONG!!!

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  The creepy sensations of her eyes staring at Loretta…

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Managed to rouse Loretta from her slumber eliciting a squeal of fright!

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Luckily, she always sleeps next to her trusty fork, and made a desperate lunge for it.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Instinctively, Loretta jabbed Tiffanie in the eye, releasing all of the rage and fright she harbored all weekend. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Howling in pain, Tiffanie’s eye was NO MORE…

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  On the way home, a beaten and cyclopsed Tiffanie pouted the whole ride down.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  “Oh Tiffanie…when will you learn?”

  
  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  THE END

  
  

   

  
  

  Oh yeah, Brian was stuffed hastily in a bag and thrown into an LA freeway…he would have wanted it that way. 

  
  

   

  
  

  

  • 8:45 pm
  • 14 Comments