Let me tell you a story boys and girls.  A story about a girl and a book.  A book she ordered on April 27, 2003, in the hopes that she would receive it on the day of its release AS PROMISED by the website that sold it to her.  She ordered it 2 months in advance, my friends, TWO MONTHS, but did she receive it on-time?  No.  While everyone else in the world was mentally frolicking with a team of wizards and witches, she was wallowing in her own misery.  So if not that day, when?!  The website later claimed they would deliver her book on June 23 (Monday).  But no.  LIES!  LIES!  LIES!  She woke up the next morning, Tuesday, June 24^th, THREE DAYS AFTER THE RELEASE to find the book outside of her bedroom door.  How did it get here?  WELL (!) the story goes a little somethin’ like this…as her father was walking the dog one morning, he discovered that the HARRY POTTER book had been chucked into the yard, nowhere near the mailbox!  That’s right!  THOSE INFIDELS AT UPS HAPHAZARDLY THREW MY PRECIOUS BOOK LIKE SOME COMMON BEAN-FILLED HACKEY-SACK, thus RUINING MY HP EXPERIENCE!  BWAAARRRGH!

 

On a lighter note, I started HP on Tuesday morning, and finished it Wednesday (yesterday) night.  It was a good book, not as action-packed as the fourth one, but what it lost in action, it gained in substance.  Lots of our most pressing HP-related questions were answered.  SO GO OUT AND BUY THE BOOK!  READ THE BOOK!  THROUGH YOUR PATRONAGE YOU CAN MAKE J.K. ROWLING EVEN RICHER THAN SHE ALREADY IS!  And isn’t that reason enough?  You know it is!

 

Alright, I don’t think I want to make my highly-anticipated (shifty eyes) cameo on DoNotDate.  I’ve read some of the recent entries and man (!), some of these people take things too seriously.  Last I checked, DoNotDate was supposed to be a “just for fun” site where we can just roast ourselves (and our friends) and have a good chuckle about it.  But now…it’s all so…Jerry Springer-esque.  Sorry Tiffanie.  At least you were able to capitalize on the whole joke when it still was one! 

 

I cut my hair on Tuesday, which I desperately needed in order to get rid of the “not short, but not long” hairstyle that I’ve had to endure.  Here’s a picture of myself (and no, I do not smile in photos of myself b/c I HATE TAKING PICTURES!  I HATE IT!  I HATE IT!  I HATE IT!  *ahem*).  My hair actually looks the same…but I cut it I tell you!  I CUT IT!!!

 

 

I have big news…actually it may not be big, it may actually be happening everywhere.  I mean, I can’t believe it’s only happening HERE, in Hawaii, where everything of actual purpose or meaning dies and fails miserably…but I don’t know, it may just be an experiment.  You know…try out something new in Hawaii, and if it fails, so what?  Everything that was successful in the mainland always fails once moved to Hawaii.  Luckily (!) we have great weather and beautiful land, to make up for our “entertainment death-trap” status.  But no more talk of this now…I need to take pictures of it to act as precious, precious evidence…and I will…more on this later…

As none of you know, I am one of the biggest (biggest meaning fattest) Jack Handey fans in the world.  For those of you who are remotely curious, Jack Handey is this really clever dude who occasionally shows up on SNL with these irreverent, pointless things to say that I find hilarious and just plain smart.  Well, these aren’t thoughts that will leave you on the floor laughing, more like ones that will make you snort and shake your head, either that or leave you confused and wishing it would end.   

 

DEEP THOUGHTS by JACK HANDEY (from the 1995 one-a-day calendar)

 

You know what would really make a woman mad?  Just run up and kick her in the butt.  (P.S. This also works with men).

 

Children need encouragement.  So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. 

 

Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody:  First, take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. 

 

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary line.  I had to laugh and laugh.  Laugh and laugh.  Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. 

 

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!

 

I hope after I die, people will say of me:  “That guy owed me a lot of money.”

 

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around. 

 

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back.  NOW who’s asking the questions?!

 

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. 

 

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you’re drunk. 

 

I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex.  He sort of smiled and said, “Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.”  So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

 

You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea. 

 

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. 

 

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead.  No, wait.  Not me, you. 

 

Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger.  Real fast.  “Draw,” said the stranger.  Carl went for his gun, but then “Hey, where did all these angels come from?”

Harry Potter comes out TOMORROW!  SWEET!  MY LIFE NOW HAS MEANING! 

 

On a darker note, I sort of had a nightmare last night.  It was probably a 5 minute dream but it reinforced my hatred of the beach.  In my dream, I was on the beach for a ceremony, and a girl dressed in Hawaiian attire paddles into the water on a little raft, and starts bellowing a Hawaiian chant.  Out of nowhere, a shark fin appears and starts gliding towards her.  People start laughing like it’s a joke, and yell to her that a shark is coming.  The fin reaches her raft, and then you find out that it was not a shark at all, but a SALTWATER CROCODILE!  This crocodile is so big that it could easily eat the girl, and the raft, in one bite.  The crocodile’s first snap misses.  The girl is now panicking, and she’s desperately trying to paddle back to shore.  But at the last moment, the HUGE croc soars out of the water and eats her whole, head-first in fact.  I could hear her screaming as her feet slowly slid down his mouth.  The croc swims away. 

 

I’m never swimming at the beach.  NEVER!                                                    

 

Well, here are some pictures of me and my friends when we had one of our most unorganized potlucks (that sadly turned out to be our best one).  We went to the beach and sat there…arguing.  Actually, all of the pictures were taken after the potluck b/c it was so damn windy at the beach. 

 

 

Marc and Lisa

 

 

Eva who should be looking at the road…hmm…my seat belt was on, but I just didn’t feel safe.  When we were driving to the beach, she ran a red light, but tried to justify it by screaming “I’m gonna make it!  I’m gonna make it!”  when the light was CLEARLY already red, and had been red for quite some time. 

 

 

Kat and Pete, our groups one and only couple.  Pete claims to not want to be photographed (thus the hiding) however, he is still LOOKING AT THE CAMERA!  Can we say, “denial?”

 

 

I have a picture of myself…but I have too much shame, so I put this Dilbert comic instead, which I think all of you will find much more entertaining.

 

Alright…I can’t keep this terrible secret any longer…I just can’t…

 

 

Vallent Lee is Harry Potter.  The photo on the right is one I took of him when he was at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (aka Harvard) a few weeks back, as he was running aimlessly with his wand.  He looks so pissed b/c I drank his last bottle of Pumpkin Juice (aka Pepsi Twist)…greedy bastard….The photo on the left was taken yesterday.  His scar started burning badly when he sensed You Know Who’s presence, but it turned out to be a false alarm, I was the one plotting to kill him, not You Know Who!  We laughed really hard at that.  Note:  Photos of Vallent were not changed in any way shape or form…(shifty eyes)…

Many of you Cali people have threatened me by saying that you will come here unexpectedly, and I will have to find things for you to do, and somehow find you transportation (“here’s a dollar, take the bus”), something that I believe is just impossible for me to do b/c I don’t know anything about the state I was born and raised in (nervous laughter). 

But thankfully, you guys will probably not come, thus saving me from embarrassment, stress, and any movement in general.  But I will still enrich you guys with some pictures from my home.  Yes, MY ACTUAL HOME.  Take a good look b/c you probably will never see it in real life.  Seriously.

Pictures of my dog, Dancha (Pronunciation:  Dawn-ka).  One is of him secretly sleeping in a cabinet with some of our junk, and the other is him in his “wolf’s den” between a wall and a plant stand. 

 

 

This is a picture of a Koi pond that we had built in our house.  It’s pretty cool b/c it has a waterfall, and it looks kinda zen-like.  Please don’t think my family is rich b/c of this pond.  We live in a small house that is always dirty, and this pond is just about the nicest thing we have.   

 

Next I have taken some pictures of flowers that grow in my yard, typical Hawaii crap, feel free to skip all of this. 

 

 

 

 

Plumeria flowers (bottom two):  What I would wear in my hair while I rode my dolphin to Nairobi to save all of you from drowning.  Once there, Khairunissa would be named the Queen of Nairobi, and the rest of us would be eaten alive by ravenous penguins.  Harumph!  THANKS A LOT KHAIRUNISSA!

 

Note:  NOT EVERYTHING IN HAWAII IS BEAUTIFUL…

 

 

This is a carcass of a once-alive gecko that was trapped within one of our kitchen windows.  You can see that its head is facing the screen looking towards the outside at the freedom it will never again see.  It died in that position, and to this day, its carcass lays in my kitchen.  Note the ants swarming over its body in an orgy of glee and gluttony!  FEED, MY MINIONS!  FEED!  WORSHIP THE GODDESS THAT GAVE YOU YOUR BOUNTY!  MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

 

MWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! 

 

My god, I’m so bored.  All I do is watch TV all day long…not that I’m complaining!  TV has always been my truest friend. 

 

I saw on the news a few days back that Martha Stewart is in lots of trouble.  I hope she pulls through it, because without her, my life will be oh-so empty. 

 

Seriously…just empty…(tear)

 

One show that I think is the absolute greatest is VH1s I Love The 80s.  I have the worst memory in the world, so even though I WAS alive in the 80s, I know nothing about it.  So its fun learning about the pop culture trends of the year I was born.  I can’t help but feel comforted when I see Alice Cooper say that his guest appearance on the Muppet Show was “the best time he’d ever had doing anything”…I almost feel like the world isn’t so bad after all…

 

Hands down, the best thing on TV is the Food Network.  The Food Network is the God of all channels.  I literally worship all of the chefs on the Food Network b/c they are just soooooo great (I have a shrine hidden in my closet where I burn cilantro and sacrifice broccoli florets…they come to me at night and tell me their commandments!  Huh?  What did you say Sarah Moulton?  I have to kill my neighbors?)!  Without a doubt, IRON CHEF HIROYUKI SAKAI is my absolute favorite chef.  He was recently named the King of Iron Chefs b/c he beat out the other Iron Chefs in an ultimate battle of culinary skill.  Question:  Where is Iron Chef Italian?  He’s in the opening credits, but HE NEVER FIGHTS A BATTLE!!!  Perhaps his absence can be attributed to his terrible outfit?  So many mysteries…

 

Today (Friday the 13^th  *X-Files theme plays in the background*) was my Dad’s Birthday…woohoo…my Daddy is officially 54!  I baked him a cake that looked…just terrible.  My dog could bake a better cake!  When I saw how it turned out, I was so disappointed that I actually started crying.  I guess I’m turning into Martha Stewart…I strive for absolute perfection. 

 

We went to Todai for dinner, and ate, and ate, and ate.  My sister paid for dinner; I paid for the presents.  We had a really good time today (with the only exception being the cruel cake incident).  I’ll try to update again later today…

BEWARE THE UNTOLD TRUTH

 

Birth – 2^nd grade:  People don’t really care how you look because in their eyes, you’re just a baby and pretty much can do no wrong.  Hey, you got mud on your shirt?  Who cares, YOU’RE JUST A BABY and babies play in the mud all the time.  Including, “diaper mud”.  If you are a firstborn, your life will be carefully chronicled with many, many, MANY, pictures.  If you are the second child, you will have less than the first.  If you are the third child, you will have less than the second, etc. etc. etc.  This phenomenon can be attributed to the old adage, “If you’ve seen one baby, you’ve seen them all.”  Pathetic. 

 

3^th grade – 6^th grade:  You start caring about how you look.  Embarrassment sets in during the 5^th-6^th grade about holding your parents hands.  If kids have a problem with ANYTHING about you, they just tease you about it right to your face.  You go to the bathroom and your male classmate walks in on you, and instead of feeling embarrassed he opts instead to tease you about seeing you pee (Note:  Really happened to me in 3^rd grade). 

 

7^th grade – your early 40s:  Yes, people do grow up.  And as they mature, their childhood antics cease, and instead of telling you everything that’s wrong with you, they opt instead to just talk behind your back.  And this, in my opinion, is a MARVELOUS progression.  You no longer have to face your problems head-on.  You can go through life feeling decently confident about yourself b/c you have no idea what people are saying behind your back.  And you can go on like this for many-a-year!!!  Many-a-year, my friends, MANY-A-YEAR.

 

Mid/late 40s – death:  You have a lapdog named “Cracker,” and you smell a little too much like cabbage, or some other vegetable.  Every morning, you water your orchids, and refill the birdseed in the feeder.  Your neighbors ask you to baby-sit their kids, and you give the little ones peppermint twists and strawberry gels in exchange for a promise to be good (but they still steal money from your purse/wallet).  MTV is still the favorite channel for all the teens, however, you find the channel’s change into an all Reality TV channel as an action “lacking moral fiber.”  Your prefer to watch TV Land for the Will and Grace, Seinfeld, and The Simpsons reruns.  You fall asleep while listening to the “oldies” of Linkin Park and Jimmy Eat World.  Ahh…the good ol’ days!

I just finished reading the last installment of LOTR:  The Return of the King.  And it rocked.  Really, it did.  A lot of twists…REALLY can’t wait for the movie now!  It took me 1 DAY to finish it!  Which is something I’m super-proud of…actually…if I can finish a 350-page book in a day, doesn’t that make me…pathetically lonely?  Does it?…(sob sob, *snort my own snot*, *lip shiver*, sob)

Did you guys know that Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Book V) will be 896 pages long?  896!!!  Hours upon HOURS of enjoyment!  Yessss!!!  The moment I get that book is the moment I stop sleeping…until I finish that bad-boy that is.   

I finally finished reading The Fellowship of the Ring which has been my faithful airport-only read since Christmas.  And now I’m working on The Two Towers, which is an awesome book, much richer than the movie, even though nothing really beats seeing the action.  So the moral of the story is:  If you liked the movie, you’ll like the book (and I say that will full knowledge that just about everyone has read the books except me). 

I’ve been feeling so useless lately.  I do absolutely nothing…nothin’ for nobody.  I wish I had a passion…something interesting and unique.  But I don’t.  A few days ago, I asked myself, ‘what am I good at?’ and I couldn’t really think of anything…I’m sorta good at going to school, I guess, but that’s not a talent.  “What are you good at?”  (pause)  “School.”  Not cool my friends, just not cool. 

So now I’m trying to think of stuff to do to pass the time.  I play Mahjong a lot now, whether it be with friends, online, or in my mind…I mean…(shifty eyes)…no, not in my mind!!!…I DON’T mentally play elaborate Mahjong games against imaginary players in a tournament setting!  Where did you ever get that silly thought???  Ha, I never said that!  You’re just a crazy liar.  Go commit yourself, stupid.  The loony bin is where you belong because you CRAZY!